“I’m sorry” she said with a shaky voice. Trembling. Frantically looking here and there.
Her hands a tangle of anxiety.
“I thought that I mentioned earlier” she said in between breaths, beads of perspiration rolling down her forehead
“Goodbyes are not my piece of cake. Even though its my thing; disappearing from people’s lives. But goodbye isn’t my thing. I like vanishing. Like the air. Once here. The other there. Never at one place. Its just how I am. Transitory. Fluctuating. I can’t stay in a place or with a person for long. That’s just not something I can do.”
He looked at her. Waiting. Arms crossed over his chest. Staring right in her eyes trying to find answers. His face as blank as a clean slate.
She continued, throwing quick glances at him every now and then, “But you should’ve known better. I am not a person who stays. No matter how hard you try to make me. I just can’t. I’m like that one thing you want to stay in your life, but no matter what you do, that thing is never yours. Like the air that slips through between your fingers. You just can’t get hold of it can you? I’m like that. ”
He shifted on his right foot putting all his body weight on the right hip. Arms still crossed. Not breaking eye contact. Some emotion moving in his eyes ; taking form.
“But how could you leave without saying goodbye? How could you? Or was it that I didn’t deserve one? You know I waited. For so so long for you to come and say that one word. And yet you never came. But I still waited. You have to tell me why you left so abruptly. ”
His voice was raising. But he had not one sign of anger on his face. It wasn’t anger, no. It was a curious pain. That pain that leaves you wondering what you did wrong. The one where you blame yourself.
Her mind was a place of hurrying thoughts. Finding words to make the right decision. Her frustration clear by the habit of gnawing teeth that she had.
“It’s okay. ” he said letting out a a soft sigh, looking down at his feet and then at her.
“You don’t have to tell me, I guess that’s something I’m just not worth. I’m sorry just go” he said rubbing away his tears by the back of his hand.
He looked at her.
She was already looking at him, perhaps wondering how she had made the person in front of her cry. He turned around to leave, already red with embarrassment. His face full of disappointments.
“I… I jus.. just can’t alright!” she said stammering as he started to walk away.
He stopped in his tracks, not turning around to face her.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t give you the goodbye that you wanted” she said in a trembling voice. On the verge of breaking down. The world seemed to slip from under her feet.
“Just for the record let me tell you, ” she continued looking at his back, voice raised to a higher pitch, “I have been left, by people I loved and trusted the most once. The ones who just left. Walked right out of my life like it was a picninc spot never to be visited again. Abandoned. Isolated. There was that time in my life. Oh yes I remember. When I wasn’t needed. I was just a use and throw object. Taken advantage of no matter how good I tried to be” she said tears now rolling down her eyes
His back still facing her. He stood still.
“Leaving was once the most difficult thing for me, but now its as easy as breathing. Letting go of others. I’m so used to being left, now all I can do is leave. Sadness no longer bothers me” she said her voice getting deeper, “it makes me poetic. It feels like home. It looks like the colors I see when my eyes are closed. I’ve been numbed by all the pain. And I hope you understand and forgive me if suddenly let go of all the threads between us and snap them all out. ” she said bitting her upper lip, looking down at her feet.
“So you want to let go? That’s what you mean?” He asked without turning around.
“I might. That’s what I always do. I mean… I’m sorry. But you can never say. I might not let go… I might stay” she said in between a little awkwardness and silly grins.
“So I could keep you? So I could make you stay? ” he asked turning around and looking at her finding for a ray of hope.
“Yes you might…. But you’ll have to try hard. Would you be able to do that?” She asked raising her right eyebrow.
“I’ll try hard. Promise.” He said. A slight smile appearing on his face.
“Okay” she said grinning.
“Okay” he said.
Perhaps there was a chance to stay in the universe of opinions. But what is meant to happen, happens and most often for a reason.