The last two months have been so different and so very new altogether, there are layers of me that have peeled off and there are new layers that have been formed. Half of the old me has disappeared.
The girl I am today, is someone you haven’t yet met.
After that huge exam of mine got over, so did a huge milestone of my life. But it resulted in the beginning of the quest of another one. But this one didn’t only change my routine. It changed me. It changed me a lot.
My college life officially began 2 weeks ago. I won’t lie to you, it scares me a little, all this newfound independence and environment. I have always been this little girl who would get scared of dark corners and crowded roads. I always wanted someone to guide me through, because I never learnt how to and some part of me never wanted to because it was scared of getting lost and not being able to find it’s way back home. But now, I have to.
Travelling alone by the train across the city, finding my way through crowds that have no sense of direction, asking strangers the way to somewhere when I can’t find my way and most importantly being the only one I can count on. It was so challenging at first, finding my way whenever I got lost. But that’s the beauty of life I guess, when you get lost, you somehow stumble upon yourself.
I’m not used to this new girl yet. This outgoing girl who makes spontaneous plans, takes her train card and finds herself across the city to take a good picture of the lilac sky. That made a lot of new friends in the first week of college and has won everyone over. That is obsessed with what other people think about her on a free app in her phone. She won’t think before she says something out loud and then doesn’t even regret it because she has this whole new beaming ego that she polishes every day.
But every now and then, the old me creeps back in. She makes me stay home and write poetry and tells me to live life less recklessly because it makes her anxious. She doesn’t talk to everyone except those she knows well and although she loves talking, her head becomes a mess and her palms become sweaty when she finds herself in front of new people. She tells me to care less about what people think and prioritize my opinion because it is what matters.
But she is scared, and that is exactly what I can’t afford to be in this world. I loved her and I still do but slowly piece by piece I’m letting her go because I can’t be an anxious little sunflower in a world that is constantly trying to pluck me and make me something I’m not. I can’t be scared or indecisive. This new girl, though a little reckless, fragile and egoistic, is self sufficient.
I’m still on my way to finding myself. I’m not sure if I will.
But hey, I won’t stop till I find her. I bet she loves pizzas to eternity too.
PS the girl in the cover image is me and yes I sit in the middle of the road to satisfy my aesthetics